The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
