I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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