dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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