Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
