I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
