just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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