shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
