I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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