All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
