Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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