My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
