he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
