whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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