What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
