I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
