Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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