You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
