it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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