I faked an abortion last night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
