The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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