I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
