we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
