you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
