I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
