I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
