I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
