I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
