life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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