She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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