True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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