we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
