Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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