I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
