Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
