I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
