I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
