yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
