My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
