i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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