I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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