Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
