i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
