I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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