Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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