if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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