It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you will always have a special place in my vag
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
