Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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