i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
