I wish I could teleport
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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