she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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